scary adult things

i am 30 years old, but sometimes i feel like i am still a teenager. i’m not sure if this is because of the asperger’s, or something else. i just know, that sometimes my mind reacts like a kid instead of a 30 year old. i’m also not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

later this morning i am taking a pregnancy test. i am late, by a lot… like a month or so now… i waited a while before i made this decision because i have the symptoms of pcos and have had those symptoms for years now. my periods sometimes skip out on me, only to reappear with a vengeance later on.

i’m writing this now because i will be busy later and i want to put it down before i forget the thoughts. i am also writing this now because its 5:13 am, ben will be home sometime this morning, and is bringing the ept test with him. i can’t sleep. i am terrified. and i need to pee… but i can’t until he gets here with the test so i can pee on it.

this is one of the scariest things i have done.

i’ve sat here and thought about my parents, and worried that i would be a horrible mother to what ever i bring into this world. no matter how many times i have been reassured this would not be the case, it still haunts me.

i’ve sat here and thought about our situation. its not that great. i don’t know if we can make it good enough for a kid to not be miserable. he’s in a lot of debt. but that’s how a lot of people are in the world right now, and they are still having kids.

i’ve sat here and thought about what my response is going to be if its positive, and what my response is going to be if it is negative. i don’t know which one i should be hoping for.

i’ve sat here and thought about what might be inside me, living, microscopic right now, but what it would become, and will it be happy with its parents.

i’ve wrote to it, even though i don’t know if it even exists yet. i told it things to get it out of my head.

i have that gut instinct that girls have… and it says that this is going to be positive.

i am scared shitless.

—–

and now the results are in, and i am pregnant. this is really weird for me to say. but we’re happy. we wanted this, but its out of order. still, we’re not unhappy.

i dunno.. i have no idea what to say right now. so yeah…

i’m going to be a mom.