i don’t really talk about my second life side of life on this blog much but i figured i would because i feel like this needs to be written down.
catfish, that tv show on mtv where they find internet relationship people and bring them together to face reality, is looking for people from second life for their second season. if you know me, you know that i spent almost 5 years in a relationship with someone i never got to meet face to face. we met on second life, and i tried really hard to meet him in person, even saved up over 1000$ to go to texas, where he said he lived, to see him. in the end we never even got to touch, and while my life now is better than i could ever hope for, there is a part of me that is bitter, and regretful, that i never got to meet him just once.
i have spent the last couple of years healing from that relationship. it was not a good thing. though i did love him, and i did feel real emotions for a person i’d only spoken to on the phone, or on the internet (something i never thought could happen), he was not good for me. the best decision of my life was to break up with him and move on.
i became a recluse after meeting him. our initial affair was an accident, i left the lifeless relationship i was in for promises of adventure and excitement, i spent the next 4 and a half years in hell. not all of it was his fault, obviously some of it was mine, and some of it was not even things either of us could control. i clung to him because i needed hope that somewhere out there was a light at the end of this dark tunnel i had been in for so long.
my father died, i begged him to see me. he complained of no money, i offered him the money i’d saved, he refused. i begged him to give me an address so i could fly there and meet him, he refused. there were too many refusals, too many excuses. i know something didn’t add up but i wanted to believe that if i just held on long enough, everything would be ok. i was accused of cheating several times. accused of being dishonest several times. i was dishonest, but for stupid reasons. i had to lie about where i was when i wanted to see friends. i had to lie about who i spoke to because he was jealous of everyone. i had to constantly prove to him that i wasn’t out doing something untoward. i stopped going out with people. i stopped having fun. i stopped smiling.i retreated to my room and hid on the internet because i was afraid if i didn’t, he would leave. i cried so much that the skin under my eyes became chapped. i contemplated suicide and even wrote about it here on my blog, a cry for help that he silenced as well. i privated the entry after he accused me of trying to embarrass him.
when my mother died, i had to move to another town with a family friend because we did not have the money to keep the power on at the trailer i’d lived in with my mom. there were jobs in this town and i could get a fresh start. even then lucas questioned me about where i was really going. i did really move in with a family friend, she and her husband took us in, i cared for her 5 year old autistic grand son and i helped out where i could. but that’s when ben came back into my life, and he made me see that there is more to life than sitting in front of a computer. i finally gained the strength to give up.
tyler durden said it best: “it is only after we have lost everything that we are free to do anything.”
i gave up a destructive life style for a happy one. and now i have everything i have ever wanted. the boy i fell in love with in high school is now a man who treats me with respect and care. i have a baby boy who is everything to me.
i got a happy ending from my tragic tale.
ben thinks i should write to the catfish people, so we can find lucas together. i think he knows that although i am happy, that somewhere deep inside i am still unable to bring closure to that time in my life, because i was never even able to meet lucas face to face. i have no intention to do this though. i already know what kind of person lucas is, and i don’t need to meet him to know the real him.
i do not regret the time i shared with him. everything happens for a reason. he brought me to the place i needed to be, and i am stronger for it. i hope somewhere out there, he finds his happy ending.